Thanksgiving!!!

Things Nora is Thankful For

my contorted hand

While she can't tell me these things, I'm pretty sure this is what she'd say ...

Nora is thankful for Mortimer 

Nora holding Mortimer

Nora is thankful for the wide variety of voices that exist

Nora is thankful for mobiles and ceiling fans

Nora is thankful for Baby Einstein Take Along Tunes

Nora is thankful for Charlie's tail

Nora is thankful for musical octopi and elephants.

Nora is thankful for people who let her sit up when they hold her

Nora is thankful for magazines with pictures of happy babies on the cover

Nora is thankful for people who stretch their fingers in odd positions in front of her face 

Nora is thankful for Luvs diapers for not letting her back get poopy.

Aunt Roxy letting Nora sit up!!

Nora is thankful for Target diapers for not leaking at nighttime

Nora is thankful for her big-girl crib, so she can do acrobatics at nighttime.

Nora is thankful for people with ginormous smiles

Nora is thankful she got to see her Aunt Roxy and her cousin Brianna so often last week

Nora is thankful that her daddy constantly says, "Formula....Babies don't know its not milk!" and "Heyuh don't say that!" in odd voices over and over and over again.

And the rockets' seedy yellow glare...

....the Bombs Bursting in Air!

Ah, memories! My favorite baby memory?  Watching liquid black poop shoot out of our strange, new baby's butt onto Ben's hands, shirt, the hospital floor, and down the side of the baby carrier at 3am in the morning.  As if God was saying, "Meet the sweet new addition to your family!" 

Before getting her first shots! (Today!)

Ben is often the recipient of the poop rockets.  We all know how cute those naked baby pictures are.  Shortly after snapping the above photo, a rocket was launched.  The pathway of this projectile (Ben's shirt, pants, and about three feet of carpet) was coated with yellow, seedy poo.  

For a while there, Ben and poop were like bread and butter.  I, on the other hand, have not had more than a drop of poo (Nora's) on me in the last two months.  He gets pooped on way more than me.

----

Ben came home today from work and showed me this YouTube video.  It reminded me of something I once read and got me thinking. In general, fathers get pooped on (metaphorically) way more than moms.  

More often than not, mothers seemingly "wear the pants in the relationship".  Many constantly boss their husbands around.  They often treat them as another child they have to raise or make them feel like a lesser parent.  These moms proudly "demand respect" and special privileges because they "deserve it".  And you do deserve those things.  You just don't have to remind everyone that you deserve them.  You are not getting pooped on in society anymore, you are widely respected for the job you do.  Fathers are the ones getting pooped on - they can be just as "hands-on" as mothers, yet be treated like Mom's helper.  Ben is an amazing father.   He should get to "demand" respect and other luxuries, too.  

I'm returning to work soon. Things will be tough but millions have done it before.  I hope to make a conscious effort not to join these ranks of wives with condescending tones and claims to special privileges.  And I trust Ben will have no problem keeping me accountable :)  

And he can trust I will have no problem laughing when he actually gets poo'd on. 

What I've Learned

Two Months!!

Hard to believe Nora is already two-months old!  Hands down the shortest and longest two months of my life!  Feeling nostalgic, I decided it would be easier to look back on everything if I combined the 'What I've Learned' posts into one complete and constantly updated list. 

Things I Learned Last Week

It takes six hours to watch a two-hour movie.


The more pacifiers you buy, the greater the probability that you will be able to find one.

Formula tastes bad. Like extra-watery skim milk fortified with melted cola cans.

If, especially at night, all extra swaddleme's are in the washing machine - your baby will pee on the one she's wearing.  

If your highly-rated bottles have been leaking for the past nine weeks and you are sure it's not your fault, it probably is your fault.   

Target-brand stuff is nice.  

Don't think you'll refill your diaper bag with diapers later. 

Babies don't have 'normal's.  Do not say 'She normally doesn't poop at this time.'  Or 'Her diapers don't leak during the day.'  Or 'she doesn't really cry during car rides'.  Or 'She only wakes up once during the night'.  

Nora's Best Bath Time Friend - Birthday Ducky

Don't count on showing the pediatrician your baby's constant green eye gunk and red swollen eye lid at her appointment in a couple of days.  So as not to be discovered by the doctor, any concerning 

symptoms will disappear for the appointment.   But rest assured - they'll return. 

That 'baby smell' everyone talks about doesn't come naturally in all babies' skin.  Babies can actually have a stench.

Babies cannot be given baths unless you have a camera.

Parenthood 101: Winging a Song

or How to Score Highly on the SAT

Winging a Song:
 - singing a song although you may not know the words and/or melody
 - often can trick bystanders into thinking the correct words are actually being sung by either singing loudly with confidence, or by singing in a nonchalant manner.
 - extreme case illustrated by Saturday Night Live characters, Garth and Kat.
                        

The Talented Garth and Kat

Why use this as a parenting tool?  Winging can help improve your child's creativity.  More importantly to some, it can help your child be more successful improvising answers at future interviews.  AND it may improve academic scores - especially on essays.  It can even increase your child's score on the writing section of the SAT.   "I would advise writing as long as possible and include lots of facts, even if they're made up," says an MIT professor on how to score highly.***  So maybe the best question would be, why shouldn't you wing songs??


I've learned about winging songs, like I've learned most Parenthood 101 tips, from my mom.  Mom would change perhaps a sentence here and there, or possibly invent a slightly new melody.   She is subtle winger.  Although I have heard interesting versions of old country songs and children's songs like 'Patty Cake' and 'You are my Sunshine."  


However, this is one parenting skill that I don't get to tease my mom about.  After watching videos I took of Nora a couple of weeks ago - I am an extremist winger.   Ben can testify.   I'd post the video as an example - but you have to be a certain age before you completely lose that filter that prevents you from severely winging in a public forum.  And this blog is a pretty big deal.   So instead, here is a dramatic video of Nora being cute.

So Nora, always remember - and I think you will - "You are the sunshine, my pretty sunshine.  You make me happy, the skies are blue.  Oooooh, how much I love you.  Please, sunshine, don't go away!"


***based on a recent study that shows SAT essays are graded on length, not grammatical errors or correctness of facts.

Love Hurts!

in 2002..

This was my chance.  Adventureland Golf - and Ben was going to be there.  My plan was to be super clever and funny. Unfortunately, the nerves kicked in.  I ended up being shy - and kind of invisible.  I realized there was a good possibility that Ben may forget I even attended this evening of putt-putt.  Five years of stalking with no results.

Ben and Michelle - 2002

To savor my time with him, I tried to stand nearby at all times.  From playing arcade games to walking the course, I was right there.  I could get whiffs of his deodorant. I could hear his breath.  It was nice.  Yes, in retrospect, I probably was standing a little closer than what would be considered normal - but not so close that our friends would notice.    

Then, suddenly, I was hit!   I touched my lip - there was blood on my finger.   The last thing I saw was a large metal putter head coming towards my face.  Shoot, I thought, I was standing too close.   I wiped the blood from my lip - Ben didn't notice it had hit, no one has to know about this. 


Two holes later, the blood began dripping down my chin and could no longer be wiped off with my hand alone.  No more dry lining in my pockets for me to wipe blood on.   I realized that he was going to notice eventually.  It had been nearly 15 minutes since I saw the image of that putter head.  I had now made the situation awkward.   There was nothing to do but laugh.  Uncontrollable, silent laughter commenced.   Blood was surely coating my teeth now, and for some reason that made me laugh even harder. 

Ben turns around, "Michelle, you're bleeding!"   I begin laugh-crying as I look at a stunned Ben.  "You hit me with your putter."   And the dreaded, "Why didn't you say anything??"  I wasn't prepared to answer that question then, but now I feel I am.

in 2010...

Nora pulled my hair . Who knew a hand so little could pull so hard?   It felt like I was Rapunzel, and she was scaling up my hair to hang out in my tower.   I tried to pry the strands from her death grip - but it seemed to make her upset.  So I stopped trying.

The Little Hand with
the Death Grip

Ben has a little carpal tunnel action going on in his wrist - when he feeds her he sometimes feels jolts of pain pulsing through.

I was rocking Nora - she seemed very content, but I had been having intense lower back pain with every rock.

My friend who recently had a baby told me she is having some stress-induced (code: baby-induced) TMJ.

Another friend stuck with breastfeeding through weeks of clogged ducts, improper latches, and mastitis.

So, 17-year old Ben, love makes people do strange things.  Whether that's putting up with mastitis or taking a putter in the face...

What I've Learned

8 weeks!!

Things I've Learned This Week

If you are sneaking out of a baby's room, you will kick something.

Before use, you should make sure the diaper champ has a bag in it.

One hand can do things that would seem to require two of them.

You shouldn't put a Size 2 diaper on a Size 1 baby with the assumption it will hold more urine at night.  The diaper-to-thigh seal just isn't there.

Sadly, babies do not know what it means to 'fall back an hour'.

The older the individual, the more likely they are to feel great sadness for babies who are swaddled.

Sitting up!! But I thought, "How cute would
 it be if she was sitting up even straighter!!"

Riding an invisible bicycle is the baby version of Pepto-Bismol.

At times you may need someone to point out that you are moving your body in a rocking motion when there is no baby in your arms.

If you want to take a picture of a baby sitting up straight like a little person, you should do it quickly.

When your baby is fussy, your dog may use this opportunity to trick you or your husband into feeding him a second dinner.

Unfortunately, we didn't capture that moment.

More variables to take into account when calculating the Affective Loudness of a Baby's Cry:

- you hit the baby in the forehead with your teeth for a second time (+6 dB)
- you suspect you mixed soap in with the baby's formula ( +6 dB)


More sure-fire ways to wake a sleeping baby:

• Try to sneak out of a baby's room
• Listen to the baby monitor until you are sure the baby is asleep
• If the previous suggestion was not effective, then let your head relax onto your pillow. You will see instantaneous results.
• Lay the sound asleep baby down in the crib (note: must be a crib - not a swing or bouncy seat).

Preparing to return to work is depressing 

Parenthood 101: Oh, (insert child's name here), LOOK AT THIS!

.....This Hotel Has a Mini-Fridge!!!!!!

It's that time of year again.  Time for everyone you know to make some sort of original comment about how the stores have begun stocking Christmas decorations before Halloween decorations are put away. Time to hear them complain about how Sam's Club has gone full-fledged Christmas already - FULL-FLEDGED!  Time to read dozens of Tweets and Facebook Statuses that all wonder whether next year we will see Christmas trees next to the Back-To-School supplies. Oh, the OUTRAGE!

As a new parent, I have been given the opportunity to rid the world of these types of statements (albeit clever and original), one Roach child at a time   -  using a skill that I was recently reminded of by my mom, on a trip to Patti's Settlement.  I don't recommend making a special trip to Patti's Settlement unless you have someone with you who has perfected this special skill  - and my mom is truly an expert. 

To Sell Excitement: 

- To influence your children, family, or friends to have fun in ordinary, commonplace, or lame situations by seeming genuinely thrilled yourself

- Usually occurs on car trips, family vacations, holidays, or special outings.

- Intensifies if child seems to be having an unmemorable time

Examples***:

• LOOK!  A New York license plate!
• Wow!!- The World's Largest McDonald's in the World! I don't believe it!
• This hotel has a mini-fridge!!! 
• Did you see the pool is ON THE ROOF?!!
• Wow, Look  - they sell chocolate pie here! mmmmm
• Did you see that?? It says 'The Largest McDonald's in the World'! NO WAY!
• Look at all the Christmas decorations in this place!! WOW!
• Someone is getting married in that gazebo! How Neat!
• They have go-karts here!
• You can adjust the water pressure in the shower!
• That exit had an A&W Root Beer Stand!
• NO WAY is that the World's Largest McDonald's!

So Nora, be prepared to be amazed by automatic hand dryers, zoos that have monkey exhibits, holographic billboards, buildings with valet parking, and - especially -  Christmas decorations in October.  

***all inspired by Mom

What Happened at the Red Light

and how it helps Nora sleep... 

Very Similar to Ben's Reaction

While waiting at a red light on the corner of the Lloyd and Burkhardt, Ben and I couldn't help but notice the driver of the car next to us.    Immediately, I was flooded with emotion. 

I felt awkward - what should I do?  Should I pretend I didn't see this happening?  Should we honk?  Should I laugh?

I felt sick -  almost to the point of vomiting.

I felt embarrassed - for that driver. 

I felt angry.

But, above all, I wanted to know why.

Ben, on the other hand, knew exactly what to do.  His reaction was to stare, with his mouth wide open, until the light turned green.  My panicked response, to both the driver and to Ben's staring, was to repeat "Stop, stop, stop, stop".

Throughout the duration of our stay at the stoplight, this driver chose to use his time to pick booger after booger, and eat them one-by-one.  We watched him take green goodness out of his nostril, place it in his mouth, move his jaw up and down, and then repeat this feat approximately four - six times.    

Now that I've had time to reflect, I believe this guy deserves some credit.  

Ah, refreshing.
Advice that Most Agree On

After Nora was born, I was bombarded with advice.  "Never wake a sleeping baby."  "Wake your baby up during the day."  "Don't use a pacifier."  "Use a pacifier."  "Let your baby nurse as long as she wants."  "Cut your baby off after 40 minutes."  "Never let a baby cry."  "Let her cry-it-out for 10 - 15 minutes."   "Don't rock her to sleep"  "Rock her  as long as it takes."  "Feed her on a schedule." "Feed her when she's hungry." The list goes on and on... .     It's easy to get caught up in what people think you should be doing, instead of following your gut.  I sometimes second guess the fact that I use the "shush, pat" method when Nora stirs during naps.  Should I be letting her fuss?  Should I be picking her up and rocking her to sleep?    I can take a lesson from booger guy.

So, booger guy - I salute you.   You most certainly knew that people around you didn't agree with your methods.  And they'd probably think you're weird.  But, you did what you wanted.  You were hungry.  There were boogers stuck in your nose that you didn't want there.  You did the logical thing as you saw it. And it works for you.   I'm not going to do that when I have similar problems - especially when Panera was right there and I carry tissues in my car.  But, kudos for following your gut and not caring what people think.  

As for us, we're going to stick with the 'shush, pat'.

What I've Learned

What I Learned Last Week:

First Halloween - Pea Pod

Babies do not care about Halloween as much as you think they would 

Babies don't like it when their moms wear mustaches

You can lead a baby to a bottle, but can't make em drink

Diapers hold less at nighttime than during the daytime

It is extremely easy to get caught up in times, patterns, and numbers.  I really have to stop to remind myself that I'm not in control, and to enjoy things.

Babies have the easiest lives, but they complain more than anyone else in the family.****

There is a difference between the Actual Loudness of a baby's cry and the Adjusted, or Affective, loudness of a baby's cry. The Adjusted (or Affective) Loudness can only be heard by the parents of that particular baby. You can calculate the Affective Loudness of a cry by adding the allotted amount of dB for each of the following scenarios:

Viva Chile!

- cloth napkins are present (+1dB)

- less than 40% of people in the room are wearing denim (+1dB)

- more than 15 people are within a fifteen-foot radius (+1dB)

- there is no background music (+1dB)

- you are sleepy (+1 dB)

- you hit the baby in the forehead with your teeth (+5dB)

Pushing a jogging stroller through a crowded gift shop feels like I'm driving a zamboni in the midst of a hockey game.

Everyone gives suggestions about how to do things - from dressing the baby to comforting the baby to bedtime routines.  It takes about seven weeks to gain enough confidence to ignore them while smiling and nodding.

There are three sure-fire ways to wake a sleeping baby within a 1800 square foot area.

•  Begin watching your favorite tv show
•  Begin eating a meal - especially if that food tastes better hot or if it has the capability to melt
•  Get into the hot tub.

7-week-old babies are so much cuter than 6-week-old babies!

***the annotated 'What I've Learned'  is Copyright © 2010, Ben Roach. All Rights Reserved.